This is going to be my first super-long post in 2013, and it's about the never failing love of God.
On the 1st January 2013, I finally took the flight home. The two months holiday back home, honestly, wasn't a good start of the year. It was one of the hardest times I've ever been through. I realized that things and family at home had changed drastically without me knowing. To cut the long story short, my home was in a mess. A total mess. Dad wasn't doing okay, Mom was under a lot of stress and pressure, the shop's business wasn't as before, grandma's health was under examination, and most importantly, the spiritual atmosphere at home had gone down the hill. I was overwhelmed by the tension and restlessness in the house. Almost everyday I was put in situations where I had to witness my parents quarreling, Mom breaking down in tears, grandparents and aunt telling me to talk to my mom about this or that... I was exhausted, physically and spiritually. All the negativity and responsibilities laid a heavy burden on me and I just felt so helpless. I was stressed, and depressed.
In those days, I felt that I couldn't feel God's presence anymore. Like He had forsaken and abandoned me and my family. I know in my mind that He is always there, but somehow I just couldn't find His presence anymore. I began to question God's will in allowing all these bad things to happen in my family. I stopped reading the Bible and seldom prayed. I know what I needed the most was seeking God's presence, but I couldn't help myself to run away from Him in rebellion. I ran away from God and drowned myself in busyness and ignorance. I hardened my heart and ignored all the negative emotions that were eating me up. Everyday I lived like a robot machine. I thought I will be alright, but I was just holding it in.
About a week before I was coming back to Perth, I finally had an emotional breakdown after this tragic incident. Never had I ever imagined that the scene played in dramas would actually happen to me where I would have to say this to my father. The incident and words said are still vivid in my memory. I remembered hugging my sister who was crying like a little baby. My heart was wrenched in ache but I could not cry. I think my heart was stabbed to death. I think it was the next day or two days later, my grandparents called me to go over to their house to discuss something regarding my father with me. Walking back home after the discussion, I felt horrible. And suffocating. "Why do I have to face all these? This is just too much...", I thought. When I was singing this hymn to my sleeping baby sister, I couldn't hold it in anymore and burst into tears. I've had enough. I couldn't live without God. Miraculously, God sent His servant to speak to me on my last Sunday service back home. My pastor approached me and said, "Don't question God on why did He allow you to be born into this family and that you have to face all these hardships and heartbreaking moments. I believe God has a plan for you for your place in this family. He wants you to grow stronger through these and experience Him....." Two days before I left for Perth, my pastor's wife came to my house and talked to me about forgiveness and praying for my family. I felt so blessed.
About a week after I came back to Perth, God kept urging me to come into His presence and seek Him. On a Saturday evening, I came before Him, repented and asked for forgiveness, and invited Him to be take control of my life again. I could feel God's love and presence in the room and I just cried and cried and cried... God freed me from all the sadness, disappointments, anger, bitterness, and burdens. Before Him, I humbled myself and chose to forgive my father and my spirit was set free. Tears won't stop flowing down my cheeks. I knew I could arise in Him again, for He is my strength, my comfort, and my shelter.
What made me to write this post today was my encounter with God this morning. I was doing my quiet time with Him and I came across this song called "One Thing Remains". As I was worshiping Him, I just felt His immense love surrounding me. I thought about all these years how much love and grace and mercy He has provided me. Even though I failed Him so many times, His love never fails and He never gives up on me. When I am lost, He always finds me and brings me back to Him. Thinking about these I just couldn't stop crying. How can my love for Him be compared to His unending and unconditional love for me? I bowed down before God and cried out from my heart that I want to love Him more. I want to love Him with all my heart, all my mind, all my strength, and all my soul. I want to love Him with everything.
One thing that remains is His never failing love in my life.
"Higher than the mountains that I face,
Stronger than the power of the grave,
Constant in the trial and the change,
One thing remains...
You love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me
On and on and on and on it goes,
For it overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains..."
P.S. Although my two months holiday was challenging and painful, there were happy moments too, ie, spending time with my cute baby sister, 4-days Hong Kong trip with siblings, time spent with grandma etc...
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